Reflections of "Graceland"

"......I have a confession to make, i didn't like you very much at first.  You were just this annoying little blob, you smelled nice....most of the time.  But you didn't seem to have much interest in me, which i of course found vaguely insulting.....so i cruised along, doing my thing, acting the fool...not really understanding how being a parent changes you.
      And i don't know the exact moment everything changed....i just know that it did.  One moment i was impenetrable, nothing could touch me...the next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements.  Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life......"  - Hank Moody

" A child doesn't ask to be born, it is the adults choice.  A choice that the rest of their lives are not longer 'theirs'.  That every action, every decision has to be made with the goal of preparing her for the challenges she will face.  The moment a child is born, the ability to be selfish dies" - Me

I was ashamed at first that the moment the doctor said the words "its a girl" my first feelings were disappointed.  I had lived my whole life expecting that moment to have a son.  I had the name picked out "Jack Ryan Boucher" after the Tom Clancy character that had the traits i hoped to teach you.  I looked forward to your sports career, and doing all the things fathers and sons do. So when she came out, i was relieved she was healthy but a bit disappointed.  Grace Hannah Boucher...i found out years later that the Grace was because a country music couple whom i hate ( like all country music) had a kid named Grace and your mother named you for her.  Hannah was my choice, because i thought if you were dyslexic at least you could go by your middle name and it is spelt the same forward and back, so you would have that down pat.  But i was still so disappointed.  When did it all change?  I know the exact moment.  It was July 8, 2000 at 6:30 pm, less than an hour after you were born.  I was in the baby intensive care while your mother recovered from the c section, and you made me laugh for the first time.  The nurses had you in an incubator because you had some fluid in your lungs.  They had just gone through the long and gentle process of giving you your first bath cleaning off all the birth mess, careful not to touch any of the monitors or wires...and when they finally finished and she gently laid your legs back down....you had your first poo.....the fact you waited until she was done, and then let it go, so she would have to do it again, made me laugh.  At that exact moment you became my "buddy", someone i would laugh with for years to come.  Minutes later my life changed forever when i became a "dad".  I had to give you your first bottle, and until that moment, had never been around let alone held anyone younger than 5.  And there i was, trying to make sure you didn't hurt your neck cause you couldn't support it, and trying to get you to drink...which you wouldn't.  Only when the nurse held the bottle did you chug, and the second she gave it back to me, nothing.  I felt helpless, like i was a failure, like i wasn't cut out to be a father.  then the moment happened, and you drank, and you looked up at me, with unfocused eyes and it was like both a ten ton weight rested on my heart, at the same moment i felt lighter than i ever had before......

Over the next hour while i held you while you slept, learning that motion kept you happy.... meeting you....i started to think.  Ok, i was missing out on the potential NHL career, but I'm 5'9, and the second tallest of 24 grandchildren.  Bouchers are not made for the NHL.  What else was i really missing?  i was a boy, and not always the best....i know what boys do, the trouble they can get into, the laws they break....

But i got you, and i realized the things that i was going to get to experience, some day if you choose i will walk you down the aisle, some day if you choose i will feel your tummy kick with my grandchild, you hold my hand when we go out, you cuddle up to me when you are scared, you call me Pop, and you call the drink Soda, because to you "there is only one Pop".

October 10th 2006 was both a terrible and great day for me and you.  It is the day your mother told me it she wanted to split up.  I had just dropped you off at school and returned home on the first day of my vacation.  It was a terrible day for you because you werent going to grow up in a normal "family", it was a terrible day for me, not for the loss of my marriage, but the realization you would have to be told, and the feeling that i failed you somehow.

I made a vow that day, at that time that no matter what i did, i would make sure your childhood was as good an experience as i could make it.  I dont spoil you, i dont always give you what you want, i make you work for the things you want....i punish you when needed, correct things that need being corrected.  I am not only your friend, but i am more your parent.  And i have to get you ready for life.

It is because of you and because of my promise that:

• I wake up at 530 in the morning to take you to a school that is 30 min away while another one is a 2 min drive.  You didnt get divorced, you shouldnt lose your friends or sense of normalcy.
• I left behind $20,000 in equity on my home...so your mother could keep it and the changes would be minimal.
• I set up our home so that the PC, Xbox, and cable all feed into one TV.  I can never be lazy and sit you down in front of a show while i go do something else.  I treasure and take advantage of every moment we have together.
• When you noticed because of your dark hair that your legs this summer were showing hairs, I sat on the edge of the tub with you in my bathing suit, letting you practice shaving my leg....pretending the cuts didnt hurt.
• I learned after years of shaving my head, about how to brush a girls hair, use barrettes, make a pony tail, because you were with me 5 1/2 days a week.
• When you asked why you were never with your Mom, not telling you because she wanted her freedom no matter how much it angered me, and telling you it was her work and that she wishes she could have you more....
• When your mom decided she wanted you again, and we were in court when the judge told me if i asked she would give me full custody because of the job i had done, I made the unselfish choice and agreed to "shared custody" because you should be able to spend as much time with your mom as me, and i cant be selfish
• it is because of that vow that we went to Magic Mountain 45 out of 60 nights one summer vacation after a long days work....
• i have gone to work with purple toenails because you wanted to paint mine, after i did yours
• i have played untold hours of Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop
• i have learned to cook healthy meals, and refuse to be a fast food dad.
• i am fully prepared for your first period, i have read books, asked friends advice..because there is a 50% chance this will happen on my watch.
• i never touch a drop of alcohol when you are with me, because you are the most important responsibility i have ever had, and my judgement can never be clouded or impared in the case of emergency
• i have gone training bra shopping with you, and didnt make in uncomfortable, instead silly leopard print banana hammocks for myself as well, so we were both buying underwear and mine would get the attention...then throwing them out when i got home
• i have listened to you cry, and had it break my heart i couldnt take your pain away
• I lived in your mothers house with her going out to her boyfriends 7 nights a week, for 6 months, hiding from you the split, so it wouldnt impact your Christmas, and until March Break when we told you, so you could have some time off school to adjust
• I lived for a year and a half with a woman who treated me poorly and emotionally abused me thinking that you were close to her and not wanting you to lose her, until i found out you wanted to go as much as i did so i got us out of there...
• I have taken you to Disney World twice.  Once 4 days after your mother told me it was over, once two years later after another personal setback.  Both times because seeing you happy recharges my soul
• I take every opportunity to do something fun with you, and when i am tired, push myself to get up and do activities.  because not only do i owe it to you, but you wont always be there for me to
• I have put $2 in an account for you everyday you have been alive, so that on your 16th birthday i will have $11680 and you will have a car with a bow on it
• I have let your shave a heart in my hair and kept it that way for a day, telling you I love it, and going to work like that
• I have punished you occasionally when needed, held you accountable for your chores, even if i knew it would be easier to let you off
• I have been to every swimming class, regardless of start time or if you were with your mother or me. Because i will always support you
• I have watched the Santa Claus parade in a snowstorm in a tshirt, because you were cold so i gave you my sweater and jacket to wrap around you.

There are so many things in my life i am terrible at, or things that i dont give myself enough credit for.  I know i am not Ben Affleck level handsome, i know i'm not rich, I know based on experience i am not the best boyfriend ever, or at least one people want to keep around so far despite my efforts.

But i know 100% that there are not many out there who are a better Dad than i am.  And really that is the only one that matters.

I am a better parent than mine were, that is natural.  I have taken some of the things i admired about what they did, and i made some changes to thing i didnt like.  My dad always told me when i had dreams of playing in the NHL, that it wouldnt happen.  That no one from my town ever did and that the odds are too long.....I encourage you to dream, talk about you making the olympics as a swimmer, tell you it will happen if you never stop believing and work at it.

I know you will fail in life.  My love for you will never be defined by your grades, or your job, or who you marry.  Your choices are yours.  I have lived my life, and made my choices.  I will teach you right from wrong, but when a choice comes, will let you decide.  This is your life.

I do not have my head in the sand.  You will at some point drink, try drugs, have a boyfriend, have sex.  I know these things and am not dreading them but excited for you to experience all that life has to offer.  I will support you without fail through each step, you may not know i am there, but i will always be behind you ready to catch you if you fall....

You do not need to go to University if you so choose.  You might want to, you may also want to travel, you may find happiness working as a doctor, a lifeguard, a teacher, a waitress.  What you do with your life does not bother me, as long as you live your life.

You are my favorite person, i am proud to be a single dad, I am proud to be your dad, i am proud of you.....