Disarmed

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.- Paul Simon

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I am an oxymoron.  I am a sensitive person who cannot cry.  i dont cry, i feel, i love, i hurt.....i dont cry.  I have not cried since August 1993.  I deal with pain in my own way, and it has worked pretty well for the most part. 

Why cant i cry?  Growing up my dad sometimes used to call me weak, i was a bit of a mommas boys as a child, and had some health problems that made certain activities very painful for me.  So i cried.  In 1993 a close friend and team mate of mine had his life taken from him to early.  He was a great person, had a huge heart, and he was taken from this world.  And that isnt fair.  It was sudden and unexpected (although upon reflection there were signs of his illness) and unfair.  The day i got the call at home, i fell to the ground and wept.  The next day i "stole" my parents car who were out of town even though i wasnt insured and bought myself a suit.  And when they yelled at me for it (in their defense they didnt know why i took it) i cried more.  The next day at the funeral i was a wreck.  When stairway to heaven was played, i cried in front of everyone, not caring if i looked cool, or weak.  At the gravesite i cried more....and was crying as i drove away.  By the time i got home, i had stopped.  And i have not cried since.

I am not heartless, i care, i am a very emotional person.  I am open about my feelings and somewhat evolved.  It is just that since that moment, nothing has ever compared to it from a sadness perspective.  Here is my train of thought in normal crying situations

1. Had a friend die by taking their own life - Im sorry, who are you to give up and throw away something that Paul had taken from him....times are tough, but you could have pushed through...

2.  Grandparents, Uncle i was really close to, co workers die -  They were all old.  It may sound heartless, but they lived really long lives.  We all die, it happens to everyone.  There is not a single person out there that will not have it happen to them.  So while i will miss these people, and do, they had 50-70 years longer than Paul.  I prefer to celebrate their lives than mourn  their deaths.

3. Birth of my child - Why would i cry?  It was a happy moment.  She was healthy not a sad moment.  I know there are tears of joy, but if sadness cant make me cry,  happy doesnt either.

4.  Divorce/breakups/heart broken - When i got divorced and moved out on my own i almost sank into deep depression, but know what?  I have a good job, pays well, i like it.  I have a great kid and a great relationship with them.  I have a car, a roof over my head...im not starving, i don't worry about dying tomorrow....i have it pretty good.  I know everyone hurts, but I used to think, wouldn't some poor bastard in Iraq, who just wants to live his life peacefully without terror and death everywhere...wouldn't he kill for my "problems"

Yes i still get depressed, i recently was.  I closed myself off to the world, and then even though i was still hurting, i realized i have it ok.  And who am i to wallow and close myself off, it dishonors Paul.  That doesn't instantly fix me.  While our problems may seem insignificant to someone in a war torn country or someone taken too soon, they are still problems.  And they are still valid.  But i cant lie down and quit because i am so lucky to be alive, to not be the one who died.  Who has had a chance to grow older, have a child, travel, see the things i have seen, meet wonderful people.  So i opened myself up, because you cant quit......


It takes time to heal.  Wounds scab over and fade.  Things that seemed insurmountable one time in our lives we never think about.  They are still there, deep within, they make us who we are today, define the choices we now make....as we learn the lessons we are destined to in this lifetime, as we journey towards an unknown destination........

If you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.