Goodbye McChicken Sauce

Not a word was spoke between us there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm". -Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

My new years/new decade resolution is to let the past be just that...the past.  I have spent the better part of a decade reliving past "mistakes", replaying moments in time, over and over in my head, questioning what i would have done differently.  That is what i do, when i give my heart to someone, i never get all of it back.  A piece of it always stays with them.  And i guess it still will.  The difference is now i have to let go of those parts.  They are lost to me now, and i have to and will accept that.   So when the clock turned midnight last night i decided that is what i was going to do.  Let them go...not wonder what they are up to, who they are with, what they are doing, why i dont matter to them anymore....that was my goal.  And i will succeed, but it got postponed for a very good reason.  I read someones blog today, and i dont feel alone anymore.  There is someone else out there who feels like i do, who thinks how i think, who questions and hurts like i hurt.  And for some reason that comforts me.  I read the bravest, most honest outpouring of a heart, and it changed me.  Im not broken, im not different.  There may not be many of us, but there is another....and that makes me happy.  So I am going to tell my tale briefly, and then throw out some McChicken Saurce (Ill explain later).

 

I had been married for about 9 1/2 years when my wife told me that it was over.  I left with my daughter and very little else.  I didnt play mean, i bent over backwards, because one day i will have to answer for my actions to my daughter.  Also despite the fact we had grown apart, i had spent so long with this woman, that i couldnt be malicious, or quible over minor details.  I left 20,000 in equity behind, so she could afford the house, left 95% of the furniture and belongins behind.  After that i drifted along for 2 or 3 years, no meaningful relationships, and that doesnt mean a endless stream of one night stands.  It isnt in my make up, You women are my lifes work, and I cannot be that player guy.  I give my heart to easily, and i have a daughter.  I cannot treat a woman in a way i wouldnt want her to be treated.  So I was drifting along, alone, wanting someone to share my life with and then it happened...

 

Suddenly I turned around and she was standing there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm".Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

 

 I met "the one".  We had known each other since Jr. High but i hadnt seen her in more that 15 years.  We instantly clicked, and i just knew.  That all the heartache i had experienced, all the failed relationships i had, had prepared me for this moment.So i could be the best I could be.  I had seen too many friends and their spouses drift apart, i wasnt going to make that mistake.  I vowed to make sure each and every day how much she meant to me.  She had 12 year old son, who i instantly tried to bond with, and was successful at the start.  He told me before he told anyone else what everyone knew, that he was gay.  i encouraged him to talk to his mom and reassured him there was nothing wrong with it or him.  This brought me an her closer together.  We spent every moment we could togther, she was great with my daughter and 8 months after we started seeing each other we moved in together.  I spent the next year and half fighting against the dying of the light of our relationship.  This isnt a relationship resume, so i wont go into all the details, but some of my better moments:

 

1. I made a list of 100 romantic things big and small to do together and made it through 50+ of them.

2. Everyday I sent her a list of 3 things i loved about her, things that had happened in the last day that made me love her more

3. I catered to her every need, if she was at work and was tired, i left work and drove across town to bring her a coffee, if she was having a bad day i would bring her flowers, or just hold her and listen.

4. I made sure i did the majority of the work around the house, so she would never feel burdened, or unappreciated.  I cooked, did dishes every night, did everyones laundry etc...

 

but then the cracks started to show...

 

...Now there's a wall between us something there's been lost
I took too much for granted got my signals crossed
Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm". Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

 

I am a firm believer that we should not pay for the sins of peoples past.  Her child fathers had cheated on her repeatedly, and understandably it broke her heart, and made her distrust.  But i tried so hard everyday to let her know that i wanted her and only her.   I told her it took me 33 years to find her and that I would never do anything to jeopardize that.  But she would constantly become upset if i talked to or was talked to by a woman.  Even if it was a senior manager at work i was working with on a project, if i mentioned their name more than twice that meant i was cheating on her.  If i had someone on my facebook who she didnt know or who was single, then i was obviously emailing them and cheating on her.  I never defended myself, instead giving her all my passwords, i had nothing to hide and wanted her to feel secure.  It never made a difference, and she kept accusing me.  Monthly she would get upset enough about it to end things and tell me to get out, but i would calmly talk to her, tell her how much i cared, how i didnt and wouldnt do anyting ever, and it would blow over.  But it was like walking on eggshells..it affected my daughter who wasnt used to hearing yelling.  At one point we tried councelling and the therapist told her she had severe anger issues and needed to manage it.  But she had never been wrong a day in her life, so she dismissed it and stopped going.  The yelling and screaming continued one way (i dont yell or lose my temper ever with someone i care for) and i saw my daughter hiding in a closet crying.  My mind was made up but I had to figure out how to leave, so it took a few more months.  I know this is one side of the story, and that i am sure i am not blameless, but one extreme example i can tell you.....was the morning her gay 13 year old son tried to secretly videotape me in the shower.  When i discovered it, and told her she lost her temper at him, but when i returned from work, told me that she discussed with him privacy and that is all that she would do on the topic, that it didnt warrent any punishment and he shouldnt be made to feel bad.  In my mind i disagreed, but said nothing.  A week later at the dinner table my daughter said "my dad is the coolest dad in the world!"  She was 9, and my ex lost her mind and started screaming and slamming doors that it was disrespectful to her son and that they wouldnt be disrespected in their home.  She demanded my daughter be severely punished, and when i tod her that she didnt say it maliciously she was only 9 and loves her dad, she told me to get out......

 

There are countless stories i could tell you that would astonish and possibly enrage you, but i dont want to rehash all the dirty details.

 

I used to catch occasional episodes of Oprah when my exwife would watch it and they would have a show about spousal abuse, and i would laugh in my head and say "why dont they just leave"....and i know traditionally it is the female who seems to be the receipiant of the abuse, but the councellor gave me a list on my last visit without the ex and told me to see how many of them applied to me:

 

1. Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
2. Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
3. Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?
4. Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
5. Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
6. Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
7. Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?
8. Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
9. Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?
10. Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?
11. Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?
12. Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?
13. Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to?
14. Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
15. Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?
16. Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
17. Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?
18. Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?
19. Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
20. Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?

The only one that didnt apply was #13, as we stopped being intimate, as she told me that due to my "cheating" i was no different to her than any random bar guy.  I never cheated, and she told me this on our anniversary...good times.  The rest perfectly described my situation.  So i finally got out in September....we havent spoken too much, i tried to have no contact for a bit, but she would message me hurt, and i would reach out to her, because i didnt want her to be in pain.  But as soon as she saw i came running she would slam the door back on me and be detached. 

 

 

Well I'm living in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm".Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

 

I have spent the last 4 months in an emotional hell.  Certain songs, movies, places, smells trigger bouts of deep depression.  I have blocked out the bad in my mind probably similar to returning soldiers post tramatic stress disorder.  The weeks my daughter is with me i as always focus on her, and i get by.....but the weeks she is gone to her mothers, i sit alone, and hurt.  I have questioned everything.  I am 35 years old, what if it never happens for me.  What if when my daughter grows and moves away i am alone until i die.  I dont "need" to be with someone, but i "want" to love and to be loved in return. Is that too much to ask.  Why am i never enough, why i am so easy to say goodbye to?  Why am I never the one picked......these thoughts have kept me awake at night, walking the streets......alone.......

 

There is a line in book that got made into a solid but over rated movie....

 

"It comes down to a simple choice, get busy living, or get busy dying." - The Shawshank Redemption

 

Yesterday as the decade ended, and i reflected on my life, i have made the choice to get busy living. Last night before i went to a friends house, i sent her one last message.  I told her that she will always have a piece of my heart, I wished her nothng but the best and all the happines, and i wished her a happy new year.  I got a happy new year in return and that is it.  And that is ok.  I didnt and wont write back.  The page turns, the sun comes up, and another day dawns. I feel better about my self already.  You know what?  For the first time, i have no regrets, i did all i could.  I didnt fuck up, i didnt throw anything away.  They did.  So as of the moment i post this, im not dwelling anymore.  I am not going to deny it ever happened.  It shaped me as a person, and i hope one day, it pays off when i meet the right person.  I truly believe she is out there somewhere, looking for me too... I used to think i was wired wrong, until i read her blog today.  I feel so bad that she feels like she does.  While it conforts me that I'm not alone,  it hurts she is heartbroken.  That is the thing about people like us.  We are wired differently, we are open emotionally, we love, we give ourselves.  But the only time someone can truly hurt you, can destroy you and shake you down to your foundation is when you let them.....and you let them by opening your heart to them.  I am destined to probably feel this way again.  I cant change who i am, I watched the Notebook when i was single, yup.  I consider Love Actually an amazing movie.  John Cusack is my hero.  Music affects me.  Books affect me.  Movies affect me.  I just hope that in the end it is worth it, that i find her...and she finds me.  and we never let each other go...

"hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - The Shawshank Redemption

 

So the new decade begins.  I'm no Angela Bassett, but in the front of my car there is a 2 1/2 year old packet of McChicken Sauce.  The first night we went on a date, she was hungry before i dropped her off, and asked me to stop at McDonalds.  She dropped a packet in the car and i kept it.  When i moved out, I thought about getting rid of it, but instead i kept it, i dont know if it was to induce memories, or just to hold on to some part of "us".  Thank you Heather....im not alone, im gonna be ok.  If it is any consolation, your strength has inspired me.  I am going to stand up right now, walk out my door, and throw it in the garbage..........brb......done.  the healing continues, i have found myself and my voice....Thank you again......

 

"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last" - Counting Crows