Batman and She's Electric

I'm about to turn 36 years old.  Ive been through alot in my life.  I've seen it all.  There are no more suprises.  Relationships are all the same and I've been it all so many times before.  Its the Batman backstory basically.  They can reboot the franchise as many times as they want, different actors (West,Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, Bale), different mediums (TV, Comics, Movies, Video Games), different styles, or timelines....the story is always the same.  His parents are always gunned down, he always takes it upon himself to clean up the streets of Gotham to protect others, he always presses on because of the memory of his parents and his desire to atone for not being able to save them that day. 

In the same way, relationships are always the same.  There is the start...the intensity, the cracks developing usually about the same things over and over (money, intimacy, insecurity) the same conversations happen over and over almost word for word with only the names changing...the conversations being subtle and laid back at first, and then growing in intensity over the weeks or months as somehow we are shocked that the necessary changes arent being made....really?  do we need to be shocked.  Relationships follow a script.  The players dont matter, but the parents always get gunned down.....

Nothing is suprising anymore, it is always the same.  Maybe it is an occupational hazard, I have always known how these things will play out....

This weekend i was having a conversation with my girlfriend of a month....and it was about a topic that I had discussed before.  I said the same things I always said every time i have had this conversation before...that it is ok, that it really doesnt bother me that much, that they should have control so I dont feel bad, seriously, if you played past conversations at the same time, probably the only difference would be the names.  This isnt an indication in any way of my feelings for this woman, they are significantly different than any i have ever experienced...but i guess it was bound to end up at the same place...the same conversations.  the parents getting gunned down, the suit, the crimefighting, the Batman....

Halfway through my script though, something happened......i didnt need to say the script.  This was different,  I didnt have to feel the way I had in the past.  I had a new strength....one given to me by this wonderful woman, not only in the things she says to me, but the things she does.....so I corrected myself...i started back over, but when down a different road this time.....I wouldnt stop being "me", i realized i was actually ok..and that by being me..sure sometimes there might be some speedbumps...but that she wouldnt want me any other way.....and that any bumps werent malicious, but instead just us making it through....

She was different, this was different....this time the Waynes survived..Bruce grew up with his parents alive...never needed to don the suit..never needed to live a tortured existance....I had seen it all and become jaded as a result....but maybe i didnt know it all, maybe there was something new out there I hadnt experienced before...Love.

That hit me this morning....and it is such an exciting day because of it.  Imagine being at the Newport Folk Festival in 65....Bob Dylan has been your Folk hero for years...you know when he takes the stage what to expect.....Mr. Tambourine Man, Blowin in the Wind, Times they are a Changin.....you are comfortable with this Dylan...he is consistant, you know when you will sing along, when you will listen...then he walks out....with an Electric Guitar and your world gets turned upside down....

All of a sudden what you thought you knew, what you believed would always happen is gone.  You dont know what these songs will sound like...will it be the same...will it be better?  You dont know what the opening song will be...what the closer...the encore.  You dont know if the one thing that was a constant in your life, even if it was sad...what this new direction will sound like.  But you cant wait to find out...cause maybe its the way it was always meant to be.

The Crazy/Hot Scale and Plotting

First an explanation of the "Crazy/Hot" scale courtesy of Barney Stinson (NPH)

Now plotting you on the graph

See....its all mathematical when you think about it.

The Greatest Gift I Have Ever Received

Wow, its not even my birthday...not Christmas....not Valentines Day, Easter, Fathers Day or any other federally designated holiday.  It isnt even the fake made up ones by card companies (Love Day) or anything.  It is a random Saturday in January.  Weird day to get the best gift i ever received.

I dont want to go into the history of everything, but basically i have always had to buy my own gifts.....birthdays, christmas, etc...significant others have never gone to the trouble really...in 35 years, i got a guitar strap.  Thats it.  Every other time it was "go pick it up yourself.....My daughter gets me things that are heartfelt, and they mean the world to me, but no one has ever given me a gift on random day...

Today i was listening to someone very special tell me about an event she was coming home from.. and how while it was fun, it wasnt great.  We talked about her escape and while she was telling me a story about how her friend used to say "Dont waste the pretty" she said something....and she kept talking, and like the smooth guy i am, i interrupted and stammered....did you say what I think you said?  She said yes....again ever the don juan oozing with cool, i asked...really?  And she said yes.

She said one of the nicest things i have ever heard...that if I had been there...it wouldnt have been wasted.  Like the Grinch my heart grew three sizes that day.  I have never been told anything that wonderful in my life.....maybe it seems small maybe not, i dont care.  It warmed me to the core, sent shivers, goosebumps...the whole nine...

So, Ill tell you what ,the next time it happens as you said, you wear the dress....i suit up and rock my fedora, and the pretty wont be wasted, and it will be noticed, appreciated, and make my heart grow two more sizes....i may need a bigger chest at this rate...but im willing to risk it.

The Soundtrack to me

I recently gave my soul partner "homework"......what movie and songs speak to you....she shared with me her personal and wonderful answers..wanna know what they are?  nope not sharing..... thats for me.

I am sharing with her through here mine. 

Movie

I have given this soo much thought.  Part of me really wishes it was Say Anything, Serendipity, or Hi Fidelity....in so many ways i am Cusack or at least the characters he potrays.

Buy my movie is Fight Club.  Watch it again, strip out the violence and mayhem..and whats left? Outsiders who dont fit the mould of society and are searching for somewhere they are accepted. 

The funny thing is the line in the movie that most speaks to how i feel alot of the time is spoken by the only woman character and the object that it compares me to..... a dress

Marla Singer: I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.
Narrator: It was worth every penny.
Marla Singer: It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it's on the side of the road.

and the most quotable characters in a movie in my lifetime who speaks to me...Tyler Durden

My views on people being obsessed with possesions and status symbols

Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvet is?
Narrator: It's a comforter...
Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?
Narrator: ...Consumers?
Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession.  Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.   I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.
Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.
about getting through difficult times:

Tyler Durden: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

about being myself and not playing a role

Tyler Durden: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

even the "warning" at the start of the film....

Tyler Durden: Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.
And finally this one just speaks to the way, i feel like an outsider, like im not lving the life the way im supposed to according to some plan, like im not normal, i dont fit in...

Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.



My Song

Music speaks to me more than anything else.....I have theme songs to different parts of my life.  music speaks to me more than anything else....  Certain songs or lines in a song have defined certain moments in my life....  This part of Monkey Wrench helped me through a difficult time a few months ago...

One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still there's one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I'm free

Don't want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

Other songs have touched me....some for a moment in time, some for my whole lives...but if i had to pick one song that always defines what i feel, want, am....it would be this....thought of including the live version from wembley, but the lyrics get lost in it....am a fan of the band, but never a huge fan...just this one song is me....

 

Disarmed

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.- Paul Simon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am an oxymoron.  I am a sensitive person who cannot cry.  i dont cry, i feel, i love, i hurt.....i dont cry.  I have not cried since August 1993.  I deal with pain in my own way, and it has worked pretty well for the most part. 

Why cant i cry?  Growing up my dad sometimes used to call me weak, i was a bit of a mommas boys as a child, and had some health problems that made certain activities very painful for me.  So i cried.  In 1993 a close friend and team mate of mine had his life taken from him to early.  He was a great person, had a huge heart, and he was taken from this world.  And that isnt fair.  It was sudden and unexpected (although upon reflection there were signs of his illness) and unfair.  The day i got the call at home, i fell to the ground and wept.  The next day i "stole" my parents car who were out of town even though i wasnt insured and bought myself a suit.  And when they yelled at me for it (in their defense they didnt know why i took it) i cried more.  The next day at the funeral i was a wreck.  When stairway to heaven was played, i cried in front of everyone, not caring if i looked cool, or weak.  At the gravesite i cried more....and was crying as i drove away.  By the time i got home, i had stopped.  And i have not cried since.

I am not heartless, i care, i am a very emotional person.  I am open about my feelings and somewhat evolved.  It is just that since that moment, nothing has ever compared to it from a sadness perspective.  Here is my train of thought in normal crying situations

1. Had a friend die by taking their own life - Im sorry, who are you to give up and throw away something that Paul had taken from him....times are tough, but you could have pushed through...

2.  Grandparents, Uncle i was really close to, co workers die -  They were all old.  It may sound heartless, but they lived really long lives.  We all die, it happens to everyone.  There is not a single person out there that will not have it happen to them.  So while i will miss these people, and do, they had 50-70 years longer than Paul.  I prefer to celebrate their lives than mourn  their deaths.

3. Birth of my child - Why would i cry?  It was a happy moment.  She was healthy not a sad moment.  I know there are tears of joy, but if sadness cant make me cry,  happy doesnt either.

4.  Divorce/breakups/heart broken - When i got divorced and moved out on my own i almost sank into deep depression, but know what?  I have a good job, pays well, i like it.  I have a great kid and a great relationship with them.  I have a car, a roof over my head...im not starving, i don't worry about dying tomorrow....i have it pretty good.  I know everyone hurts, but I used to think, wouldn't some poor bastard in Iraq, who just wants to live his life peacefully without terror and death everywhere...wouldn't he kill for my "problems"

Yes i still get depressed, i recently was.  I closed myself off to the world, and then even though i was still hurting, i realized i have it ok.  And who am i to wallow and close myself off, it dishonors Paul.  That doesn't instantly fix me.  While our problems may seem insignificant to someone in a war torn country or someone taken too soon, they are still problems.  And they are still valid.  But i cant lie down and quit because i am so lucky to be alive, to not be the one who died.  Who has had a chance to grow older, have a child, travel, see the things i have seen, meet wonderful people.  So i opened myself up, because you cant quit......


It takes time to heal.  Wounds scab over and fade.  Things that seemed insurmountable one time in our lives we never think about.  They are still there, deep within, they make us who we are today, define the choices we now make....as we learn the lessons we are destined to in this lifetime, as we journey towards an unknown destination........

If you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.

Dear Science......

This is an open letter to the scientific community.  Stop ok, you are wasting all our time.  Know what...we dont have the flying car yet, no diseases have been cured in my lifetime of any significance, the globe is getting more messed up by the day...  Seriously you know what significant "invention" or advancement has happend in the last 20 years.  The internet and thats it.  And what is it used for most of the time instead of sharing information for the betterment of mankind? Infidelity and Porn.  Thats it.  So you know what Science.  What you are doing, isnt working....maybe change focus.  You deserve to feel good about you...ahh cute science, with your labcoats, pocket protectors and social awkwardness...How about this. I will give you some ideas i think you should focus on.  Please make these happen and fast...

Time Machine.  Seriously Bill and Ted had access to one.  I would love to have one so i can right some wrongs.  Please make this happen.  Plus future people.  Guess what.  The internet never deleletes stuff.  So chances are in 100 years this post will still be viewable.  I dont know how you will find it amongst the trillions of pages that exist so i am going to type something that i assume you will enter in a search engine in the futre and end up on this post...



                                            FREE ROBOT PORN IN 4D

ok, now that you are here.  You must have access to a time machine by now.  Can you please go back in time and let me use it for a bit.  Seriously it would be a huge favor to me.  And im not using it for selfish reasons, i promise.  Just to help someone important to me.  In exchange for your kindness I will give you all my Star Wars actions figures from when i was a kid, and you can sell them for huge money in the future.  I mean Jesus, Kelso from that 70s show time traveled in the Butterfly movie, and that dudes a moron.


Pain Transference Ability  Ok, here is the next one science.  Can you please invent something that will basically suck the pain and suffering either emotionally or physically out of one person and transplant it in someone else.  Seriously, you can transplant monkey organs in people, how can you not know how to do this.  I watch Heritige commercials..Dr. Penfield poked her brain and made her smell burnt toast.  And that was like 50 years ago.  I dont want to smell burnt toast.  But in 50 years you must have developed beyond burnt toast.  Here is what i need.  Im really strong right now.  Can you take someones pain and memories that are causing her pain, suck them out of her brain and give me the pain.  I can take it.  I want to take it.  Im not kidding on this one. 

Voodoo powers - ok, here is the deal.  If you fail on the previous two you have to help me out on this one.  Ancient civilations (according to movies which never lie) could make a doll who looked nothing like a person, and poke it with needles and that person would feel pain.  How do you not know how to do this science.  Did noone write it down?  I want a specific doll, and by that i mean please dont drop the ball on the accuracy part.  Certain people although they share the same name, including spelling, are not actually the same person.  Please make me a doll directed at the proper person.  I would like to periodically cock punch it, on a regular basis.

ok Science...seriously, im not making a huge list.....not going to overload you.  Give up on your projects you are working on right now.  Seriously please make at least one of these happen.  If you are sitting there wondering which one to do first.  I would like them in this order

1. Pain transference
2. Time Machine
3. Cock punched Voodoo doll.

ps.  also if you could knock that baldness one out of the park to...we would be cool..but that is last on the list.

thanks Science, always thought u were cool...dont let me down.

Sometimes i get so tired.....

  Here is why I am single according to "experts".  below is pulled from a dating site that a friend copied and pasted to me in an attempt to help me in my new single life.  I dont want to live the life outlined below.  I dont want to play games with someone.  I dont want to do "tricks" to "get" what i want.  Maybe its naive on my part, maybe it will be the reason i stay single for good....i dont know.   I think the universe has bigger plans for me.  But i dont want the life in this article.  After each point my comments are in blue, and below them all, is what i want instead of playing these mind fuck games...

 

 

Ways To Make A Woman Notice You

 

Why do most men fail miserably when it comes to approaching attractive women? Most of the time, it's because they never learned how to stand out from the crowd when a hundred other guys are trying to do the same thing. Want the edge you need to make her notice you instead of them... without using lame lines or cheap come-ons? Here are the ways to make it happen: I understand alot of these interactions are assumed to take place at a bar, which is not my scene...i am talking about regular every day life....

1. Take control
No doubt about it... the first thing an attractive woman will do when you approach her is see if she can control and intimidate you. The second thing she'll do is ignore you when she finds out that she can. But use Cocky and Funny, show confidence, use the right body language, etc., and she'll quickly notice you because YOU are taking control. Sure, this confuses her, but it also gets her attention by transmitting a message loud and clear: "I'm the one who's in charge. Feel free to come along if you want." Communicate that to a woman, and she'll see right away that you're different than 99.99% of other guys. She'll immediately respect you and want to know more about you. In other words, she'll feel attraction for you -- and as you know, that's what everything I teach is all about.  Any woman who the first thing she will try and do is see if they can control and intimidate on me, is not a woman i want to be successful with.  I dont want to find a woman because i confused her or was the one in charge.

2. Master your body language
This is really basic, 101 stuff, but it's huge. I've said it a million times: when you're approaching a woman, your body language is more important than the words you use. Most men use submissive, apologetic body language and voice tones that look as if they're begging and pleading with a woman to give them approval... and these men INSTANTLY come across as wussies. There's no faster way to kill attraction. Instead, project that you have killer confidence (see #8.) Lean back. Give her space. Act like you're not concerned at all about whether or not she's going to like you because, you know what? You shouldn't be.  I do not want to play hard to get, act indifferent, etc.  What is wrong with if you meet someone you like and think are cool, telling them that?  Why is honesty not the best policy?

3. Be Direct
Here's the thing... most guys use "trickery" and long-winded, boring conversation to get info about a woman. Don't do it. Don't make the mistake of trying to figure out some slick way to get her to share something about herself, or to go do something with you. If you want to know something, just ask her straight out. If you want to spend time with her, don't just ask for a date. Tell her that you're doing something later and that she's free to join you. Believe me, you'll take her aback and set yourself apart. Be classy as well as direct, and you'll get where you want to go much, much faster. ok, i dont hate all of this one.  I agree with ask something if you want to know.  it is honest.  but i dont want to do it because I want to set my self apart from the norm.  I want to ask, because i am interested. 

4. Use Her "Negativity" To Your Advantage
Women will often test you by turning the conversation in an intentionally negative direction, often by complaining about themselves. When they do, be ready for it: it's a GREAT opportunity for you. Instead of playing along (and sounding wussy) use Cocky and Funny to spark and ramp up attraction. Just take what she's saying and turn it up a notch. For example, if she says: "My dress makes me look too fat," just reply, "You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but..." If she says her hair's a mess, say, "Maybe you'll look better tomorrow." Point is: she's expecting you to be just another wussy and kiss up to her. When you DON'T, you'll immediately stand out from the crowd. So i am supposed to play a game and take her insecurity as an "opportunity"?  Im not going to lie....if a woman cuts one and asks me if i like the smell, i wont kiss up and say yes....but if someone is having an off day what is wrong with reassuring them.  If they are worth the long haul, wont they appreciate it?

5. Get Her Number And Get Out
One of the best ways to make a women sit up and take notice is to disappear after you get her number. So, early on in the conversation, ask her if she has e-mail. When she says yes, tell her: "Great, I've got a few things to do, but I'd really like to chat more with you later. Here, write your email down. Oh, and your number, too." You'll be shocked how many attractive women will respond positively. At that point... take the info and leave. If you do, you'll leave her wanting more instead of wanting to run for the door. Plus, you'll find the encounter so painlessly quick and effective, it'll instantly build you confidence to approach even more women. I have to leave her wanting more?  Again with the games....if i meet someone who i find interesting and i am pulled towards, why leave?  why not dive into the moment and get to know them then....."it'll instantly build your confidence to approach even more women"?  I'm not a man whore, i dont want to set records or notch my bedpost...i want to find "her" someday

6. Have A Game Plan
Feeling unprepared to start a conversation with a woman is the best way to blow it when you do. So it's a no-brainer... same as with the awkward silence, have a few topics to start the conversation in your back pocket as well, and mentally rehearse them. The ones that work best are the simplest: "Hey, what are you drinking?" "Hey, are you from around here?" I realize that these sound way too simple, but that's the beauty of it. They're so simple... and natural... that they're disarming. They don't come across as lame, canned "pickup lines," and they help you figure out quickly if the woman you're talking to might be receptive to you. If i am unprepared for having a conversation with a woman, than isnt there a chance that i am only thinking of having it based on their physical appearance?  and if so, is that the criteria i should base an important decision on?  really?  Ive met some beautiful people inside and out that their inner beauty made them beautiful.  And ive met people who are "beautiful" but their soul makes them ugly.    I dont know if this article assume i am walking up to every woman i see and hitting on them...the old throw enough shit something sticks theory....but shit sticks to shit....

7. Avoid Awkward Silence
When a guys first starts talking to a woman (especially a very attractive one) he usually lets his emotions and insecurities get the best of him right off the bat. He starts to think, "I better impress her, and fast, or she won't give me a chance." The bad news is... you're right. The good news is... you can impress her the most just by avoiding awkward silence. If you begin to feel it happening, just keep things moving... but casually. Tell a funny story about something that happened to you when you were a kid. Make fun of famous people. Whatever. Have something ready and do it. It's got to be better than that painful, awkward silence.
I can fill every hole in a conversation, but that isnt a move, i like to talk and ask questions.  But awkward silences?  if it is the right person it is a comfortable silence, and they can be powerful.
 
8. Project Confidence
Imagine how you'd come across if you were the most confident guy on the planet. You'd seem so in control that you'd be in no rush. You'd never talk too fast or too much, since all of that screams "I'm a nervous wussy". You'd move, gesture and speak slowly and deliberately. You'd pause often, and ditch the anxious, twitchy gestures, laughs, ticks, etc. You'd never break eye contact unless a woman does first. All of this projects killer confidence, and you'll start to notice more women noticing you as you learn how to do it.
**spoiler alert** im not the most confident guy on the planet.  i have faults, i have doubts.  So i put on an act of being super confident and "the man"....so what happens if we hit it off...do i have to keep the act up?  do i have to keep playing the role?  if so....then she doesnt even know me.  Im not basket case, but i am not Mr. Cool.  I have emotions, i love, i hurt sometimes.  There is bad with the good.  Why is being myself not a better plan?
 
9. "Rehearse" Your Game Online
Come on... why risk blowing it with a woman live and in-person, when you can practice "rejection-free" all you want first? Go online and practice making sure you don't bore women with your normal, boring comments and normal, boring questions. Instead, start being direct. Showing confidence. Asking for numbers and telling women that you're swamped with a million messages from supermodels so they better act fast or you'll be gone. Master Cocky and Funny from the comfort of your keyboard, and you'll be much better at it when you try it in the "real world." 
Easist point to shoot down...if it is "game"  then it isnt "real".  If it isnt "real", it isnt worth it.


.................................................................................................
I dont like this list at all....i dont want to play games with my heart.  What is wrong with meeting someone and getting to know them, learning about them, getting close to them, and then being myself with them.  Why is it a bad thing as some friends (male and female)  have told me that i am a "nice guy" and women want the "bad boy"....that i do too much to make someone happy, and that women want to feel a little insecurity?  How does that make sense.  What is wrong with if I am with someone, being there for them in anyway possible.  To lift them up when they are down, to let them know how important they are to me, to share the good and bad with, to be 100% myself and to be accepted for who i am.  What is wrong with asking the same thing in return?  This isnt about my exes, this is about my future.  I dont want to play these games.  I want to eventually when the universe decides it is time, to meet her...and to spend every day after that letting her know how happy i am i did.  And to have her do the same.


Isnt that simpler and a better plan than "game"?  isnt that a basis on something that lasts? 

Reflections of "Graceland"

"......I have a confession to make, i didn't like you very much at first.  You were just this annoying little blob, you smelled nice....most of the time.  But you didn't seem to have much interest in me, which i of course found vaguely insulting.....so i cruised along, doing my thing, acting the fool...not really understanding how being a parent changes you.
      And i don't know the exact moment everything changed....i just know that it did.  One moment i was impenetrable, nothing could touch me...the next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements.  Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life......"  - Hank Moody

" A child doesn't ask to be born, it is the adults choice.  A choice that the rest of their lives are not longer 'theirs'.  That every action, every decision has to be made with the goal of preparing her for the challenges she will face.  The moment a child is born, the ability to be selfish dies" - Me

I was ashamed at first that the moment the doctor said the words "its a girl" my first feelings were disappointed.  I had lived my whole life expecting that moment to have a son.  I had the name picked out "Jack Ryan Boucher" after the Tom Clancy character that had the traits i hoped to teach you.  I looked forward to your sports career, and doing all the things fathers and sons do. So when she came out, i was relieved she was healthy but a bit disappointed.  Grace Hannah Boucher...i found out years later that the Grace was because a country music couple whom i hate ( like all country music) had a kid named Grace and your mother named you for her.  Hannah was my choice, because i thought if you were dyslexic at least you could go by your middle name and it is spelt the same forward and back, so you would have that down pat.  But i was still so disappointed.  When did it all change?  I know the exact moment.  It was July 8, 2000 at 6:30 pm, less than an hour after you were born.  I was in the baby intensive care while your mother recovered from the c section, and you made me laugh for the first time.  The nurses had you in an incubator because you had some fluid in your lungs.  They had just gone through the long and gentle process of giving you your first bath cleaning off all the birth mess, careful not to touch any of the monitors or wires...and when they finally finished and she gently laid your legs back down....you had your first poo.....the fact you waited until she was done, and then let it go, so she would have to do it again, made me laugh.  At that exact moment you became my "buddy", someone i would laugh with for years to come.  Minutes later my life changed forever when i became a "dad".  I had to give you your first bottle, and until that moment, had never been around let alone held anyone younger than 5.  And there i was, trying to make sure you didn't hurt your neck cause you couldn't support it, and trying to get you to drink...which you wouldn't.  Only when the nurse held the bottle did you chug, and the second she gave it back to me, nothing.  I felt helpless, like i was a failure, like i wasn't cut out to be a father.  then the moment happened, and you drank, and you looked up at me, with unfocused eyes and it was like both a ten ton weight rested on my heart, at the same moment i felt lighter than i ever had before......

Over the next hour while i held you while you slept, learning that motion kept you happy.... meeting you....i started to think.  Ok, i was missing out on the potential NHL career, but I'm 5'9, and the second tallest of 24 grandchildren.  Bouchers are not made for the NHL.  What else was i really missing?  i was a boy, and not always the best....i know what boys do, the trouble they can get into, the laws they break....

But i got you, and i realized the things that i was going to get to experience, some day if you choose i will walk you down the aisle, some day if you choose i will feel your tummy kick with my grandchild, you hold my hand when we go out, you cuddle up to me when you are scared, you call me Pop, and you call the drink Soda, because to you "there is only one Pop".

October 10th 2006 was both a terrible and great day for me and you.  It is the day your mother told me it she wanted to split up.  I had just dropped you off at school and returned home on the first day of my vacation.  It was a terrible day for you because you werent going to grow up in a normal "family", it was a terrible day for me, not for the loss of my marriage, but the realization you would have to be told, and the feeling that i failed you somehow.

I made a vow that day, at that time that no matter what i did, i would make sure your childhood was as good an experience as i could make it.  I dont spoil you, i dont always give you what you want, i make you work for the things you want....i punish you when needed, correct things that need being corrected.  I am not only your friend, but i am more your parent.  And i have to get you ready for life.

It is because of you and because of my promise that:

• I wake up at 530 in the morning to take you to a school that is 30 min away while another one is a 2 min drive.  You didnt get divorced, you shouldnt lose your friends or sense of normalcy.
• I left behind $20,000 in equity on my home...so your mother could keep it and the changes would be minimal.
• I set up our home so that the PC, Xbox, and cable all feed into one TV.  I can never be lazy and sit you down in front of a show while i go do something else.  I treasure and take advantage of every moment we have together.
• When you noticed because of your dark hair that your legs this summer were showing hairs, I sat on the edge of the tub with you in my bathing suit, letting you practice shaving my leg....pretending the cuts didnt hurt.
• I learned after years of shaving my head, about how to brush a girls hair, use barrettes, make a pony tail, because you were with me 5 1/2 days a week.
• When you asked why you were never with your Mom, not telling you because she wanted her freedom no matter how much it angered me, and telling you it was her work and that she wishes she could have you more....
• When your mom decided she wanted you again, and we were in court when the judge told me if i asked she would give me full custody because of the job i had done, I made the unselfish choice and agreed to "shared custody" because you should be able to spend as much time with your mom as me, and i cant be selfish
• it is because of that vow that we went to Magic Mountain 45 out of 60 nights one summer vacation after a long days work....
• i have gone to work with purple toenails because you wanted to paint mine, after i did yours
• i have played untold hours of Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop
• i have learned to cook healthy meals, and refuse to be a fast food dad.
• i am fully prepared for your first period, i have read books, asked friends advice..because there is a 50% chance this will happen on my watch.
• i never touch a drop of alcohol when you are with me, because you are the most important responsibility i have ever had, and my judgement can never be clouded or impared in the case of emergency
• i have gone training bra shopping with you, and didnt make in uncomfortable, instead silly leopard print banana hammocks for myself as well, so we were both buying underwear and mine would get the attention...then throwing them out when i got home
• i have listened to you cry, and had it break my heart i couldnt take your pain away
• I lived in your mothers house with her going out to her boyfriends 7 nights a week, for 6 months, hiding from you the split, so it wouldnt impact your Christmas, and until March Break when we told you, so you could have some time off school to adjust
• I lived for a year and a half with a woman who treated me poorly and emotionally abused me thinking that you were close to her and not wanting you to lose her, until i found out you wanted to go as much as i did so i got us out of there...
• I have taken you to Disney World twice.  Once 4 days after your mother told me it was over, once two years later after another personal setback.  Both times because seeing you happy recharges my soul
• I take every opportunity to do something fun with you, and when i am tired, push myself to get up and do activities.  because not only do i owe it to you, but you wont always be there for me to
• I have put $2 in an account for you everyday you have been alive, so that on your 16th birthday i will have $11680 and you will have a car with a bow on it
• I have let your shave a heart in my hair and kept it that way for a day, telling you I love it, and going to work like that
• I have punished you occasionally when needed, held you accountable for your chores, even if i knew it would be easier to let you off
• I have been to every swimming class, regardless of start time or if you were with your mother or me. Because i will always support you
• I have watched the Santa Claus parade in a snowstorm in a tshirt, because you were cold so i gave you my sweater and jacket to wrap around you.

There are so many things in my life i am terrible at, or things that i dont give myself enough credit for.  I know i am not Ben Affleck level handsome, i know i'm not rich, I know based on experience i am not the best boyfriend ever, or at least one people want to keep around so far despite my efforts.

But i know 100% that there are not many out there who are a better Dad than i am.  And really that is the only one that matters.

I am a better parent than mine were, that is natural.  I have taken some of the things i admired about what they did, and i made some changes to thing i didnt like.  My dad always told me when i had dreams of playing in the NHL, that it wouldnt happen.  That no one from my town ever did and that the odds are too long.....I encourage you to dream, talk about you making the olympics as a swimmer, tell you it will happen if you never stop believing and work at it.

I know you will fail in life.  My love for you will never be defined by your grades, or your job, or who you marry.  Your choices are yours.  I have lived my life, and made my choices.  I will teach you right from wrong, but when a choice comes, will let you decide.  This is your life.

I do not have my head in the sand.  You will at some point drink, try drugs, have a boyfriend, have sex.  I know these things and am not dreading them but excited for you to experience all that life has to offer.  I will support you without fail through each step, you may not know i am there, but i will always be behind you ready to catch you if you fall....

You do not need to go to University if you so choose.  You might want to, you may also want to travel, you may find happiness working as a doctor, a lifeguard, a teacher, a waitress.  What you do with your life does not bother me, as long as you live your life.

You are my favorite person, i am proud to be a single dad, I am proud to be your dad, i am proud of you.....

One week in......

"There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you."
- Stacey Charter

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
- Tyler Durden

Only after disaster can we be resurrected. 
- Tyler Durden

I'm ok now.  It has been months since it happened, and this entry isnt going to be a reflective speech, or a evaluation of what went wrong.  It doesnt matter, I wasnt me.  I am me now.  The decade changed and I did.  I know it is hard to imagine something as simple as a calender change facilitating any type of life altering difference.  But it has.  I am more at peace now than maybe I have ever been.  I have learned so much over the last few months and weeks that I am a better person for it.  It is 7 days into the decade and this is what I have learned.....

1. I loved the potential, not the person
2. I may be included in a group of people someone considers an Angel
3. Songs, movies, thoughts, life can be reclaimed
4. I may have been the Sun
5. My daughter is still mine, and we are closer for what we have gone through
6. That for being there for someone and trying to "give" i have received more than i could have asked.
7. Its all going to be ok
8. The Universe has got me covered

One week ago i was wallowing, struggling to stay afloat, scared for the future...now?  The calender changed, i have moved on for real and not just a mask of strength, i am succeeding, the future is still full of questions...i have no idea what it holds.  But i don't fear it anymore.  I look forward to it.  I know something is planned for me, some lesson that i have either learned or will learn will be my purpose beyond raising my daughter.  I believe this decade will be my Golden Age.

If this seems like a dramatic change, you may be right.  Maybe i was delaying the change holding on.  But the calender changed, friends made, McChicken Sauce lost, songs reclaimed, hope found.  Destiny and I are on speaking terms again.....

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again
--Foo Fighters

My Dad-scars

My Dad's name is Oscar, so i decided to create a fictional award show for movies.  My categories, my winners....someone got me talking about movies and well....i love making lists.  Some categories will be traditional, some not.  And top movie lists frequently change for me....im also going to limit it to 1990 on.  I have watched many classic movies, and many movies considered classics.  I will give them a separate category, but for the most part this list will be from 1990 on.  Thats when i started working in a video store and fell in love with movies.

without further ado...

Top 5 Classic Movies (pre 1990)
Godfather 1 and 2 (combining them)
The Graduate
Empire Strikes Back (sorry may be nerdy, but the first movie i ever saw i the theater and i was a kid)
The Deer Hunter
Apocolypse Now (Brando on the list twice...not suprising)

Winner - Godfather

Top 3 most over rated "classic" movies
Cool Hand Luke (he was in Jail, ate a bunch of eggs, shoveled dirt fast...really?)
Citizen Kane
2001: A Space Oddessy (may have been a technical marvel at the time, but didnt age well)

Winner - Citizen Kane.  Just because something is long, doesnt make it good


Top 5 movies that did not do well at the box office, that attained cult status

Fight Club - philisophical, twists throughout, and based on one of my fave books.  Pitt and Norton are outstanding

The Big Lebowski - bombed at the box office, one of the funniest and at times most touching movies ever...Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Bichemi, Phillip Seymor Hoffman, Julianne Moore, John Tuturro, Flea...really tied the room together...

Trainspotting - amazingly well acted, Ewen MacGregor was outstanding, since my daughter was born cannot watch this anymore.

Clerks - for the dialogue, for the laughs, for the story behind it getting made, for the fact that without it, there would be no Good Will Hunting.

Donnie Darko - still freaks me out

Winner....toughest category so far...as much as i live by certain tenants of Tyler Durden, i think The Big Lebowski is just perfect.  The Dude abides


Best Actresses who never disappoint me
having to keep this post 1990 made this tough. Streep, Keaton, Taylor all did their best work pre 1990.

Kathy Bates - Misery terrified me, Primary Colors touched me.  She is a force

Emma Thompson - Love Actually, In the Name of the Father, Howard End.  I never go to see her, but always remember her performances

Julia Roberts - im sorry, i enjoyed Pretty Woman, Erin Brockovich, Charlie Wilsons War

Cate Blanchette - She played freaking Bob Dylan...and nailed it!!!!!!!

Kate Winslet.  - Titanic, sure..the Reader, up.  Eternal Sunshine? amazing.

Winner...im going with Winslet.  She strikes me as real. 


Best Actor
Same problem, i have to leave Brando, De Niro, Pacino, Duvall, Nichoson (although as good as it gets almost wins it) and a slew of others off the list.  But it doesnt matter here, because this category isnt even close

Johnny Depp - not for the Pirates, although i like the character.  Fear and Loathing, Blow, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Whats Eating Gilbert Grape, Donnie Brasco, Willy Wonka...no one takes more risks than him.

Tom Hanks - i know its cliche, and Forrest Gump is overrated, but Saving Private Ryan, Castaway, The Terminal, The Green Mile, A League of their Own, get him in close to the list....Philadelphia cements his place.

Jack Nicholson - upon further review, he makes the list.  He is a slimey old man, i wouldnt trust him to be around my daughter for more than 30 seconds...but since 1990 here is a sample. The Departed, Somethings Gotta Give, About Schmidt, Hoffa, A Few Good Men, Batman...and probably his best roll since One Flew over the cuckoos nest...As good as it gets.

Sean Penn - Almost takes as many risks as Depp, takes risky roles lke Milk or I am Sam, Dead Man Walking, Mystic River.. powerful actor, come a long way from Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Winner

Daniel Day Lewis -  Underratted actor and yet still wins Oscars. Quit acting for years to become a cobbler and get away from it all.  My Left Foot was amazing, In the Name of the Father one of the best movies and acting jobs ever, Gangs of New York, ok movie, but Bill the Butcher was outstanding, There Will be Blood, The Ballad Of Jack and Rose, The Crucible, The Boxer, The Last of the Mohicans.  No one changes themselves completely for each role.  Only does occasional movies, no one today is better.  Is on par with classic Brando and Nicholson, blows away Pacino and De Nero.


odd categories

Guy who suprises me every movie he is in - Justin Timberlake.  I hate to say it...guy can act.  Alpha Dog, Social Network, and Southland Tales...he was great.  Which reminds me.....

Most confusing movie ever - Southland Tales.  I have watched it over 10 times, and still dont know if I love it or hate it.

Most disturbing Movie i ever saw - Passion of the Christ.

Best Adaptation of a Book - FIght Club

Favorite Musical - Moulin Rouge - There I admit it, i love this movie

Favorite Romantic Comedy - Love Actually/ Serendipity

Favorite Teen movie - Breakfast Club obviously





Ok, my Top 10 Movies of 1990-2000 (no particular order)
Schindlers List
Saving Private Ryan
In the Name of the Father
Almost Famous
Leaving Las Vegas
The Big Lebowski
Good Will Hunting
Fight Club
Pulp Fiction
As Good as it Gets

Top 3 - Almost Famous, Schindlers List, In the Name of the Father

Winner - In the Name of the Father.  Amazing true story, of a man and his father, sent to jail for years for a crime they didnt commit.  IRA, government corruption, Daniel Day Lewis, Emma Thompson....perfection

Top 10 of the 2000's

The Departed
Brokeback Mountain
There Will be Blood
Lost in Translation
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Inglorious Basterds
Munich
The Royal Tennebaums
Up in the Air
Kill Bill (both together)  Im sorry, but it is rare the woman plays the strong character.  I loved it

Top 3 - The Departedd, Lost in Translation, Eternal Sunshine

Winner - The Departed.  The performances by every member of the cast were amazing.  And what a cast!  Nicholson, Sheen, Dicaprio, Damon, Markey Mark, Alec Baldwin

Explaining my obsession

I am not a sports fan.  I dont spend endless hours watching game after game.  Probably will lose my Canadian citizenship by saying this, but might not be able to name 20 NHL players or all the teams.  Not a basketball guy...for the most part i consider myself a "Sportscenter Fan"  I will watch highlights of games, and check ESPN.com every couple of days but i dont have the time to invest like I did when i was younger.  I do love the Boston Red Sox, but 162 game season is too much time.  There is one exception.

I am a New England Patriots fan.

I love NFL football, but i dont spend all day every Sunday watching all the games.  I dont care about the other teams or players for the most part.  But i do care about the Patriots.  My love of them isnt like a normal run of the mill fan, i will admit.  But i will explain so i dont come off as a nutjob.

I started religiously watching football in 1990, and the Patriots which were the only team regularly broadcast locally (remember we only had 28 channels and WLBZ out of Bangor had the Pats every Sunday) so out of convience they became my team.  It wasnt a bandwagon jump, they were coming off a 1-15 season and had the first pick in the draft which they used on Drew Bledsoe from Washington.  He became my "guy".  I started getting into them more and more even though they had little success.  Over the next 10 years they really only had one great season, losing in the Superbowl to the Packers (coincidently in the night i had my first "date" with my ex wife to a Superbowl party through work)

I didnt love them because they were great (they werent), the popular choice (most people loved the cowboys and locally hated the Patriots, because they felt they were forced on them), or any other normal reason.  the 90s were a tough time.  University came and went, falling out with my folks, trying to figure out what to do with my life etc...but no matter what problems there were, every Sunday 16 times a year at either 2 or 515 they were there.  And in the last 20 years I have been a fan, one game got postponed, and you know what they did?  they made it up...

They were always there for me over the last 20 years whenever i was going through a rough time.  The Patriots didnt divorce me, they didnt make me feel like a disappointment to them, the patriots never compared me to their friends kids and loved me based on my career success.  Love is supposed to be unconditional regardless or outcome or performance, and so i supported them....through all the losing.  Even in the offseason, i knew they were out there trying to get better.  And that is the thing they always did.  They didnt win much, they didnt always make me happy...but they always tried their best.  When other teams would coast through the rest of the season once they were out of the playoffs they always played hard.  But because of the players they had, and the coaches at the time, it wasnt meant to be.  Did i love and support them.  Yes.  My first trip to see a game live is still one of my top memories....but i was resigned ot the fact that i loved a team that lost all the time.  That to ask one team to win out of 30 trying for the same goal, well the odds were so far...so i was happy just being a fan. 

Then 2001 happened.  And Drew Bledsoe got hurt in the 2nd game.  And a quarterback that no one wanted when he was in the draft, who was passed over 198 times until the Patriots finally stepped up and drafted him with the 199th pick came in the game.......and over the next 18 weeks this happened....

This team that never won, started winning....and i felt a part of it. I liked being part of something bigger than me.  Its good for your soul to invest in something you have no control over.  Their coach became one of my heros, who i steal liberally from in my day to day work.  He took a sport where atheletes sign endorsement deals and tweet ego driven thoughts and preached team.  And they bought into it.  People in the league started calling it the "Patriot Way".  the moment that made me love them the most?

Right before a Superbowl starts, the players on each team are introduced one by one.  They run out one at a time from the tunnel their moment in the sun...jumping and chest thumping and excited for that moment, on the biggest stage in American Sports all eyes are on them.  They have always done it this way.  So i sat there on my couch and watched the Rams be introduced one at a time.  They did dances as they came out, waved towels, ran up to the camera and shouted sayings of bravado...they were the favorites that game, experts said they would win by at least 14 points.  I sat there and watched them one by one and finally it was time for the Patriots. 

But a funny thing happened.  At this moment that they all dreamed of, their chance to be recoginzed individually the PA announcer spoke words i will never forget "Choosing to be introduced as a TEAM, the New England Patriots"...i was floored.  Veteren NFL players have said they instantly called their agents and told them they would take less money to play in New England.  That a superstar like Tom Brady or Lawyer Milloy would be willing to share his moment with guys who would never see the field that day, with trainers and equipment men whose names no one but their families knew...flew in the face of everything sports had become.  An ego driven me first industry was shaken by 53 guys who didnt consider themselves anything but a Team.  And they won the Superbowl...and 3 times out of 4 seasons they won...they were the most successful team of the 2000s, and all because a coach no one wanted, a quarterback no one wanted, players cut from other teams because they couldnt perform well enough to keep around, became Champions.  And 10 years later they havent changed.  There are only 5 players left from that first team.  And the coach...but the "Patriot Way" is still alive.

Before everygame they always have an intro song.  Sunday night football is Faith Hill, Monday night football is Hank williams jr., the early sunday games are just music.  All of these "videos" have star NFL players in them.  They stand there looking cool, posing with the football, looking tough....and not once in 10 years has a Patriot player ever been in one.  Not because they arent wanted...they are truly the stars of the league...but because that celebrates the individual and not the team.  and they refuse to do it.

I dont always enjoy football...i stress out before games, sometimes to the point i just want it to end...but that is the thing.  I could turn on the tv right now and watch a hockey game and not care.  But when you care about something, you want it to succeed, you worry about it, worry abou the players health, miss them when they move on, appreaciate what they did for you....

I last went to a game in 2007.  the first for me in 10 years.  when we got there the guys i travelled down with wanted to tailgate so we got there 4 hours before kickoff.  Not me, i walked to the stadium, walked around it, touched it.  I felt what the bricks i saw on tv felt like.  What the view was from the bridge by the endzone.  Touched the lighthouse....touched the field after the game. smelled the smells, saw the people, saw the players i had spend 16 years to that point supporting right in front of me. Saw the coach who i have learned so much from reading standing there in his hoodie with the cut off sleeves...and i looked up and saw the three championship banners...i walked around concourse of this beautiful stadium, up two levels and the next thing i knew there they were right in front of me...the three banners.  I reached out and touched them....maybe this seems extreme, but i had spent hours reading about these teams, countless hours thinking about their next opponent, dying with every injury they suffered.....i felt a part of these championships..

so im not a sports fan....but i support my family.  And i consider them to be a part of it.  They have been there for me and in my life so long.  Think back to 1990...think of the music you listened to (song of the year was Hold On by Wilson Phillips, The Cosby Show was the top rated TV show, and Home Alone was the top grossing movie)  the TV you watched, the movies, the friends you had, the relationships....how many of them are still in your life.  I have cared for 21 years now.....Wilson got a talk show, Phillips married a Baldwin, Cosby ended up being a creepy old perv and that show and its stars haven been heard of in a long time, MacCauley Culkin, disappeard for the most part..but the Patriots roll on.  Every Sunday 2 or 515........and it all started

                                                         

With a Coach



With a Blizzard



With a "Tuck"

With a kick

AND

with a team...

Hidden Truth

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.  ~Dr. Seuss
Do you know who i admire?  I was at the mall today running an errand and was standing in line to pay for my items.  In front of me were two groups of people.  The first was a group of young women, probably in their mid 20s, dressed up in all the latest, and having a discussion about something i didnt hear.  In front of them were two guys, probably the same age, having an in depth discussion about Star Trek.  They were probably single, and surrounded by women of the same age, and were oblivious.  They had no filter to appear a certain way to appeal to the ladies.  They were just being them.  I hate Star Trek, but those kids were my hero's today......

I was told by someone special to me that they had scorned and one of the reasons why is they lacked "Mystique".......Im sure that has happened to many women in the past...numerous of my species have strayed physically or emotionally (and they are both as bad) to get them some "strange"...

Fuck that....

You know what, the grass isnt greener, you know what it is?  Grass, thats it.  More Grass.  The difference is the Grass you are with, you are with for a reason.  Because at one point that grass was special enough that you wanted to be with it.  Why do people forget this.....

Why are people who keep themselves hidden, and are emotionally closed more "attractive" to the opposite sex.  And they are.  Who was the heart throb on 90210 (3 blog entries, first teen melodrama reference, long overdue)?  Dylan....and why?  he was withdrawn, mysterious, no one knew everything about him....now in the end, he was a pretty good guy, and i felt bad when his mob daughter wife got killed, but that is the exception....here are two examples of people who were mysterious....

"Al" was a struggling artist, unapprecated for his work.  He loved his mother dearly, served his country in conflict.  Al was a Patriot and believed strongly on ways that his country could be a better place for his family and friends.  And unlike many of us he did something about it.  Talked to anyone who would listen.  Didnt just sit home and bitch, he got involved and tried his best.    He never really went into great depth about all the parts of his theories, just the key parts....  sounds like a good guy right?

Theo was a brilliant man.  But kept to himself mostly.  He liked to teach people and help them learn.  He was really bright when it came to math and when he was young tutored people who were having a hard time.  He was a strict environmentalist who tried to live his life in a fashion that did little harm to the earth.  He didnt discuss his feelings with his family and friends, and for the most part kept to himself and never gave up much of who he was.

Al is Hitler, Theo....Ted Kazinski (the Unibomber)

This life would be so much better, easier, and more loving if people would be themselves.  Someone who is open and lacks "mystique" is a beautiful person, anyone who lacks it is.  They are themselves.....all the people in my life who harmed me emotionally, had hidden agendas, personalities they were experts at masking.  Like the Venus Flytrap who looks like a peaceful and beautiful place for a bug to rest....only to devour them at first chance....

If people hide who they are, there is a reason i have learned.  They hide the true them, because the true them isnt a good person, not a person people would want to be around.  But a person who is willing to put themselves out there, to take risks (from major life altering ones to minor ones like taking a dance class) who is willing to expose their true self flaws, warts and all to the world is the person worth knowing.  they are the ones that you hold onto and never let go.

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.  ~e.e. cummings, 1955

None of us are perfect.  We are never going to find someone who is.  I mean Jesus even took the lords name in vain whenever he introduced himself.."Hi, im JESUS CHRIST".  People miss out on so much because someone else "seems" more interesting, like a Christmas Present you have to know what is inside.  But you know what is in that present most of the time?  Socks.

Noone is perfect, people need to stop looking for perfection....I will never find someone perfect, i WILL find someone perfect for me.  Thats all anyone can hope for.  So dont feel anything but good about being an open book, its not your fault they were illiterate......

 

Reclaiming a small piece

There are certain things in my life that I have lost to past heartaches.  Certain places, dates, movies, songs that have always been tied to specific moments in time.  It is a shame really, that the songs that i love the most, i have a hard time listening to, because of the emotions it invokes.  It is an occupational hazard i guess....

"Whatever" by Oasis will always be connected to the end of my marriage and the unknown of starting a new life, "One" by U2 will always remind me of a person who may have been slightly married at the time, "Monkey Wrench" will forever be connected to my recent ex and finally having enough.  "Stairway to Heaven" a funeral of a friend where it played......

Rockband Beatles came out when i was with my recent ex whose name shall not be spoken.  We had spent countless hours playing Rockband and when the game came out, played it quite a bit.  "Here Comes the Sun" has always been a favorite song of mine and was included in the game and was one we played frequently....

In the past 4 plus months, i havent been able to hear that song because of the memories it invoked.....memories of being in the basement together, drinking coffee and playing the game, me on guitar, her on bass...me singing along, not caring if i sounded terrible.  The lyrics i thought at the time spoke to us:

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
I thought she was my sun, that she was warming the coldness that had been my life to date.  But there were problems between us, huge problems that i believed if i tried a little bit harder, showed her a little more how much she meant that things would get better.  Then there would be a day with no fights, no stress and....

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

It was like George Harrison knew my situation all those years ago,  the ice WAS slowly melting around her heart i thought. 

But I was wrong.  And the song was lost to me forever, hidden away in the dark recesses never to be acknowledged so the pain wouldnt resurface.

Until last night......


Last night i went for drinks with an "old soul".  Someone who is going through what i am, whose openness has inspired me and helped me through my difficult time.  This isnt a story of falling in love all over again, it is too soon for me and i know it is too soon for her and sometimes i am learining a friend who understands you is all you need.  But last night I ventured out into the scary world of people for the first time, to catch up and talk.  I had an amazing talk, revelations hit me like a ton of bricks with some of the things she said....we were sitting at a pub, with live music playing in the backgroud....spent hours talking, and at one point something happened that I never expected too....

I started having hope again, with what she was saying, with the fact i had someone who understood me and who i understood, someone who i knew i could always talk to and i would always want to be there to help them through rough times....and in the background they started playing "Here Comes the Sun"

I waited for the same old feelings to hit, the loss, the sadness but the strangest thing happened.  They didnt.  Instead the song felt like a song again if that makes any sense.  It felt like the theme song to my emotional rebirth...the ex is now part of the darkness and cold, and the future is warmed by the sun which is my friend, my soul, my heart.

It is one song reclaimed, one piece of me made whole again.  As a history buff, i liken it to the first soldier who stepped foot on the beaches of France on D Day.  Like Europe at the time, certain parts of my heart have been destroyed.  From the first footprint inland there are thousands of miles of pain and suffering that have taken place.  But the first foot is on the beach, the first steps have been taken.  All great journeys begin with that first step.  The first inches have been reclaimed in the forms of a song.  And the momentum from that step, my faith in the future, my friends, and my belief that whoever she is, she is out there somewhere in Europe, scared, alone and waiting for me to free her will give me the strength to fight for every inch....

and while i do, "Here Comes the Sun" will be playing in the background........

Goodbye McChicken Sauce

Not a word was spoke between us there was little risk involved
Everything up to that point had been left unresolved
Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm". -Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

My new years/new decade resolution is to let the past be just that...the past.  I have spent the better part of a decade reliving past "mistakes", replaying moments in time, over and over in my head, questioning what i would have done differently.  That is what i do, when i give my heart to someone, i never get all of it back.  A piece of it always stays with them.  And i guess it still will.  The difference is now i have to let go of those parts.  They are lost to me now, and i have to and will accept that.   So when the clock turned midnight last night i decided that is what i was going to do.  Let them go...not wonder what they are up to, who they are with, what they are doing, why i dont matter to them anymore....that was my goal.  And i will succeed, but it got postponed for a very good reason.  I read someones blog today, and i dont feel alone anymore.  There is someone else out there who feels like i do, who thinks how i think, who questions and hurts like i hurt.  And for some reason that comforts me.  I read the bravest, most honest outpouring of a heart, and it changed me.  Im not broken, im not different.  There may not be many of us, but there is another....and that makes me happy.  So I am going to tell my tale briefly, and then throw out some McChicken Saurce (Ill explain later).

 

I had been married for about 9 1/2 years when my wife told me that it was over.  I left with my daughter and very little else.  I didnt play mean, i bent over backwards, because one day i will have to answer for my actions to my daughter.  Also despite the fact we had grown apart, i had spent so long with this woman, that i couldnt be malicious, or quible over minor details.  I left 20,000 in equity behind, so she could afford the house, left 95% of the furniture and belongins behind.  After that i drifted along for 2 or 3 years, no meaningful relationships, and that doesnt mean a endless stream of one night stands.  It isnt in my make up, You women are my lifes work, and I cannot be that player guy.  I give my heart to easily, and i have a daughter.  I cannot treat a woman in a way i wouldnt want her to be treated.  So I was drifting along, alone, wanting someone to share my life with and then it happened...

 

Suddenly I turned around and she was standing there
With silver bracelets on her wrists and flowers in her hair
She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm".Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

 

 I met "the one".  We had known each other since Jr. High but i hadnt seen her in more that 15 years.  We instantly clicked, and i just knew.  That all the heartache i had experienced, all the failed relationships i had, had prepared me for this moment.So i could be the best I could be.  I had seen too many friends and their spouses drift apart, i wasnt going to make that mistake.  I vowed to make sure each and every day how much she meant to me.  She had 12 year old son, who i instantly tried to bond with, and was successful at the start.  He told me before he told anyone else what everyone knew, that he was gay.  i encouraged him to talk to his mom and reassured him there was nothing wrong with it or him.  This brought me an her closer together.  We spent every moment we could togther, she was great with my daughter and 8 months after we started seeing each other we moved in together.  I spent the next year and half fighting against the dying of the light of our relationship.  This isnt a relationship resume, so i wont go into all the details, but some of my better moments:

 

1. I made a list of 100 romantic things big and small to do together and made it through 50+ of them.

2. Everyday I sent her a list of 3 things i loved about her, things that had happened in the last day that made me love her more

3. I catered to her every need, if she was at work and was tired, i left work and drove across town to bring her a coffee, if she was having a bad day i would bring her flowers, or just hold her and listen.

4. I made sure i did the majority of the work around the house, so she would never feel burdened, or unappreciated.  I cooked, did dishes every night, did everyones laundry etc...

 

but then the cracks started to show...

 

...Now there's a wall between us something there's been lost
I took too much for granted got my signals crossed
Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm". Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

 

I am a firm believer that we should not pay for the sins of peoples past.  Her child fathers had cheated on her repeatedly, and understandably it broke her heart, and made her distrust.  But i tried so hard everyday to let her know that i wanted her and only her.   I told her it took me 33 years to find her and that I would never do anything to jeopardize that.  But she would constantly become upset if i talked to or was talked to by a woman.  Even if it was a senior manager at work i was working with on a project, if i mentioned their name more than twice that meant i was cheating on her.  If i had someone on my facebook who she didnt know or who was single, then i was obviously emailing them and cheating on her.  I never defended myself, instead giving her all my passwords, i had nothing to hide and wanted her to feel secure.  It never made a difference, and she kept accusing me.  Monthly she would get upset enough about it to end things and tell me to get out, but i would calmly talk to her, tell her how much i cared, how i didnt and wouldnt do anyting ever, and it would blow over.  But it was like walking on eggshells..it affected my daughter who wasnt used to hearing yelling.  At one point we tried councelling and the therapist told her she had severe anger issues and needed to manage it.  But she had never been wrong a day in her life, so she dismissed it and stopped going.  The yelling and screaming continued one way (i dont yell or lose my temper ever with someone i care for) and i saw my daughter hiding in a closet crying.  My mind was made up but I had to figure out how to leave, so it took a few more months.  I know this is one side of the story, and that i am sure i am not blameless, but one extreme example i can tell you.....was the morning her gay 13 year old son tried to secretly videotape me in the shower.  When i discovered it, and told her she lost her temper at him, but when i returned from work, told me that she discussed with him privacy and that is all that she would do on the topic, that it didnt warrent any punishment and he shouldnt be made to feel bad.  In my mind i disagreed, but said nothing.  A week later at the dinner table my daughter said "my dad is the coolest dad in the world!"  She was 9, and my ex lost her mind and started screaming and slamming doors that it was disrespectful to her son and that they wouldnt be disrespected in their home.  She demanded my daughter be severely punished, and when i tod her that she didnt say it maliciously she was only 9 and loves her dad, she told me to get out......

 

There are countless stories i could tell you that would astonish and possibly enrage you, but i dont want to rehash all the dirty details.

 

I used to catch occasional episodes of Oprah when my exwife would watch it and they would have a show about spousal abuse, and i would laugh in my head and say "why dont they just leave"....and i know traditionally it is the female who seems to be the receipiant of the abuse, but the councellor gave me a list on my last visit without the ex and told me to see how many of them applied to me:

 

1. Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
2. Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
3. Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?
4. Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
5. Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
6. Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
7. Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?
8. Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
9. Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?
10. Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?
11. Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?
12. Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?
13. Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to?
14. Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
15. Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?
16. Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
17. Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?
18. Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?
19. Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
20. Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?

The only one that didnt apply was #13, as we stopped being intimate, as she told me that due to my "cheating" i was no different to her than any random bar guy.  I never cheated, and she told me this on our anniversary...good times.  The rest perfectly described my situation.  So i finally got out in September....we havent spoken too much, i tried to have no contact for a bit, but she would message me hurt, and i would reach out to her, because i didnt want her to be in pain.  But as soon as she saw i came running she would slam the door back on me and be detached. 

 

 

Well I'm living in a foreign country but I'm bound to cross the line
Beauty walks a razor's edge someday I'll make it mine
If I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born
"Come in" she said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm".Shelter from the Storm (Bob Dylan)

 

I have spent the last 4 months in an emotional hell.  Certain songs, movies, places, smells trigger bouts of deep depression.  I have blocked out the bad in my mind probably similar to returning soldiers post tramatic stress disorder.  The weeks my daughter is with me i as always focus on her, and i get by.....but the weeks she is gone to her mothers, i sit alone, and hurt.  I have questioned everything.  I am 35 years old, what if it never happens for me.  What if when my daughter grows and moves away i am alone until i die.  I dont "need" to be with someone, but i "want" to love and to be loved in return. Is that too much to ask.  Why am i never enough, why i am so easy to say goodbye to?  Why am I never the one picked......these thoughts have kept me awake at night, walking the streets......alone.......

 

There is a line in book that got made into a solid but over rated movie....

 

"It comes down to a simple choice, get busy living, or get busy dying." - The Shawshank Redemption

 

Yesterday as the decade ended, and i reflected on my life, i have made the choice to get busy living. Last night before i went to a friends house, i sent her one last message.  I told her that she will always have a piece of my heart, I wished her nothng but the best and all the happines, and i wished her a happy new year.  I got a happy new year in return and that is it.  And that is ok.  I didnt and wont write back.  The page turns, the sun comes up, and another day dawns. I feel better about my self already.  You know what?  For the first time, i have no regrets, i did all i could.  I didnt fuck up, i didnt throw anything away.  They did.  So as of the moment i post this, im not dwelling anymore.  I am not going to deny it ever happened.  It shaped me as a person, and i hope one day, it pays off when i meet the right person.  I truly believe she is out there somewhere, looking for me too... I used to think i was wired wrong, until i read her blog today.  I feel so bad that she feels like she does.  While it conforts me that I'm not alone,  it hurts she is heartbroken.  That is the thing about people like us.  We are wired differently, we are open emotionally, we love, we give ourselves.  But the only time someone can truly hurt you, can destroy you and shake you down to your foundation is when you let them.....and you let them by opening your heart to them.  I am destined to probably feel this way again.  I cant change who i am, I watched the Notebook when i was single, yup.  I consider Love Actually an amazing movie.  John Cusack is my hero.  Music affects me.  Books affect me.  Movies affect me.  I just hope that in the end it is worth it, that i find her...and she finds me.  and we never let each other go...

"hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - The Shawshank Redemption

 

So the new decade begins.  I'm no Angela Bassett, but in the front of my car there is a 2 1/2 year old packet of McChicken Sauce.  The first night we went on a date, she was hungry before i dropped her off, and asked me to stop at McDonalds.  She dropped a packet in the car and i kept it.  When i moved out, I thought about getting rid of it, but instead i kept it, i dont know if it was to induce memories, or just to hold on to some part of "us".  Thank you Heather....im not alone, im gonna be ok.  If it is any consolation, your strength has inspired me.  I am going to stand up right now, walk out my door, and throw it in the garbage..........brb......done.  the healing continues, i have found myself and my voice....Thank you again......

 

"A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last" - Counting Crows