Batman and She's Electric

I'm about to turn 36 years old.  Ive been through alot in my life.  I've seen it all.  There are no more suprises.  Relationships are all the same and I've been it all so many times before.  Its the Batman backstory basically.  They can reboot the franchise as many times as they want, different actors (West,Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, Bale), different mediums (TV, Comics, Movies, Video Games), different styles, or timelines....the story is always the same.  His parents are always gunned down, he always takes it upon himself to clean up the streets of Gotham to protect others, he always presses on because of the memory of his parents and his desire to atone for not being able to save them that day. 

In the same way, relationships are always the same.  There is the start...the intensity, the cracks developing usually about the same things over and over (money, intimacy, insecurity) the same conversations happen over and over almost word for word with only the names changing...the conversations being subtle and laid back at first, and then growing in intensity over the weeks or months as somehow we are shocked that the necessary changes arent being made....really?  do we need to be shocked.  Relationships follow a script.  The players dont matter, but the parents always get gunned down.....

Nothing is suprising anymore, it is always the same.  Maybe it is an occupational hazard, I have always known how these things will play out....

This weekend i was having a conversation with my girlfriend of a month....and it was about a topic that I had discussed before.  I said the same things I always said every time i have had this conversation before...that it is ok, that it really doesnt bother me that much, that they should have control so I dont feel bad, seriously, if you played past conversations at the same time, probably the only difference would be the names.  This isnt an indication in any way of my feelings for this woman, they are significantly different than any i have ever experienced...but i guess it was bound to end up at the same place...the same conversations.  the parents getting gunned down, the suit, the crimefighting, the Batman....

Halfway through my script though, something happened......i didnt need to say the script.  This was different,  I didnt have to feel the way I had in the past.  I had a new strength....one given to me by this wonderful woman, not only in the things she says to me, but the things she does.....so I corrected myself...i started back over, but when down a different road this time.....I wouldnt stop being "me", i realized i was actually ok..and that by being me..sure sometimes there might be some speedbumps...but that she wouldnt want me any other way.....and that any bumps werent malicious, but instead just us making it through....

She was different, this was different....this time the Waynes survived..Bruce grew up with his parents alive...never needed to don the suit..never needed to live a tortured existance....I had seen it all and become jaded as a result....but maybe i didnt know it all, maybe there was something new out there I hadnt experienced before...Love.

That hit me this morning....and it is such an exciting day because of it.  Imagine being at the Newport Folk Festival in 65....Bob Dylan has been your Folk hero for years...you know when he takes the stage what to expect.....Mr. Tambourine Man, Blowin in the Wind, Times they are a Changin.....you are comfortable with this Dylan...he is consistant, you know when you will sing along, when you will listen...then he walks out....with an Electric Guitar and your world gets turned upside down....

All of a sudden what you thought you knew, what you believed would always happen is gone.  You dont know what these songs will sound like...will it be the same...will it be better?  You dont know what the opening song will be...what the closer...the encore.  You dont know if the one thing that was a constant in your life, even if it was sad...what this new direction will sound like.  But you cant wait to find out...cause maybe its the way it was always meant to be.

The Crazy/Hot Scale and Plotting

First an explanation of the "Crazy/Hot" scale courtesy of Barney Stinson (NPH)

Now plotting you on the graph

See....its all mathematical when you think about it.

The Greatest Gift I Have Ever Received

Wow, its not even my birthday...not Christmas....not Valentines Day, Easter, Fathers Day or any other federally designated holiday.  It isnt even the fake made up ones by card companies (Love Day) or anything.  It is a random Saturday in January.  Weird day to get the best gift i ever received.

I dont want to go into the history of everything, but basically i have always had to buy my own gifts.....birthdays, christmas, etc...significant others have never gone to the trouble really...in 35 years, i got a guitar strap.  Thats it.  Every other time it was "go pick it up yourself.....My daughter gets me things that are heartfelt, and they mean the world to me, but no one has ever given me a gift on random day...

Today i was listening to someone very special tell me about an event she was coming home from.. and how while it was fun, it wasnt great.  We talked about her escape and while she was telling me a story about how her friend used to say "Dont waste the pretty" she said something....and she kept talking, and like the smooth guy i am, i interrupted and stammered....did you say what I think you said?  She said yes....again ever the don juan oozing with cool, i asked...really?  And she said yes.

She said one of the nicest things i have ever heard...that if I had been there...it wouldnt have been wasted.  Like the Grinch my heart grew three sizes that day.  I have never been told anything that wonderful in my life.....maybe it seems small maybe not, i dont care.  It warmed me to the core, sent shivers, goosebumps...the whole nine...

So, Ill tell you what ,the next time it happens as you said, you wear the dress....i suit up and rock my fedora, and the pretty wont be wasted, and it will be noticed, appreciated, and make my heart grow two more sizes....i may need a bigger chest at this rate...but im willing to risk it.

The Soundtrack to me

I recently gave my soul partner "homework"......what movie and songs speak to you....she shared with me her personal and wonderful answers..wanna know what they are?  nope not sharing..... thats for me.

I am sharing with her through here mine. 

Movie

I have given this soo much thought.  Part of me really wishes it was Say Anything, Serendipity, or Hi Fidelity....in so many ways i am Cusack or at least the characters he potrays.

Buy my movie is Fight Club.  Watch it again, strip out the violence and mayhem..and whats left? Outsiders who dont fit the mould of society and are searching for somewhere they are accepted. 

The funny thing is the line in the movie that most speaks to how i feel alot of the time is spoken by the only woman character and the object that it compares me to..... a dress

Marla Singer: I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.
Narrator: It was worth every penny.
Marla Singer: It's a bridesmaid's dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then, bam, it's on the side of the road.

and the most quotable characters in a movie in my lifetime who speaks to me...Tyler Durden

My views on people being obsessed with possesions and status symbols

Tyler Durden: Do you know what a duvet is?
Narrator: It's a comforter...
Tyler Durden: It's a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is? Is this essential to our survival, in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word? No. What are we then?
Narrator: ...Consumers?
Tyler Durden: Right. We are consumers. We're the bi-products of a lifestyle obsession.  Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra.
Narrator: Martha Stewart.
Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.   I say never be complete, I say stop being perfect, I say let... lets evolve, let the chips fall where they may.
Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
Tyler Durden: The things you own end up owning you.
about getting through difficult times:

Tyler Durden: Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
Tyler Durden: It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

about being myself and not playing a role

Tyler Durden: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

even the "warning" at the start of the film....

Tyler Durden: Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.
And finally this one just speaks to the way, i feel like an outsider, like im not lving the life the way im supposed to according to some plan, like im not normal, i dont fit in...

Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.



My Song

Music speaks to me more than anything else.....I have theme songs to different parts of my life.  music speaks to me more than anything else....  Certain songs or lines in a song have defined certain moments in my life....  This part of Monkey Wrench helped me through a difficult time a few months ago...

One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still there's one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I'm free

Don't want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

Other songs have touched me....some for a moment in time, some for my whole lives...but if i had to pick one song that always defines what i feel, want, am....it would be this....thought of including the live version from wembley, but the lyrics get lost in it....am a fan of the band, but never a huge fan...just this one song is me....

 

Disarmed

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.- Paul Simon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am an oxymoron.  I am a sensitive person who cannot cry.  i dont cry, i feel, i love, i hurt.....i dont cry.  I have not cried since August 1993.  I deal with pain in my own way, and it has worked pretty well for the most part. 

Why cant i cry?  Growing up my dad sometimes used to call me weak, i was a bit of a mommas boys as a child, and had some health problems that made certain activities very painful for me.  So i cried.  In 1993 a close friend and team mate of mine had his life taken from him to early.  He was a great person, had a huge heart, and he was taken from this world.  And that isnt fair.  It was sudden and unexpected (although upon reflection there were signs of his illness) and unfair.  The day i got the call at home, i fell to the ground and wept.  The next day i "stole" my parents car who were out of town even though i wasnt insured and bought myself a suit.  And when they yelled at me for it (in their defense they didnt know why i took it) i cried more.  The next day at the funeral i was a wreck.  When stairway to heaven was played, i cried in front of everyone, not caring if i looked cool, or weak.  At the gravesite i cried more....and was crying as i drove away.  By the time i got home, i had stopped.  And i have not cried since.

I am not heartless, i care, i am a very emotional person.  I am open about my feelings and somewhat evolved.  It is just that since that moment, nothing has ever compared to it from a sadness perspective.  Here is my train of thought in normal crying situations

1. Had a friend die by taking their own life - Im sorry, who are you to give up and throw away something that Paul had taken from him....times are tough, but you could have pushed through...

2.  Grandparents, Uncle i was really close to, co workers die -  They were all old.  It may sound heartless, but they lived really long lives.  We all die, it happens to everyone.  There is not a single person out there that will not have it happen to them.  So while i will miss these people, and do, they had 50-70 years longer than Paul.  I prefer to celebrate their lives than mourn  their deaths.

3. Birth of my child - Why would i cry?  It was a happy moment.  She was healthy not a sad moment.  I know there are tears of joy, but if sadness cant make me cry,  happy doesnt either.

4.  Divorce/breakups/heart broken - When i got divorced and moved out on my own i almost sank into deep depression, but know what?  I have a good job, pays well, i like it.  I have a great kid and a great relationship with them.  I have a car, a roof over my head...im not starving, i don't worry about dying tomorrow....i have it pretty good.  I know everyone hurts, but I used to think, wouldn't some poor bastard in Iraq, who just wants to live his life peacefully without terror and death everywhere...wouldn't he kill for my "problems"

Yes i still get depressed, i recently was.  I closed myself off to the world, and then even though i was still hurting, i realized i have it ok.  And who am i to wallow and close myself off, it dishonors Paul.  That doesn't instantly fix me.  While our problems may seem insignificant to someone in a war torn country or someone taken too soon, they are still problems.  And they are still valid.  But i cant lie down and quit because i am so lucky to be alive, to not be the one who died.  Who has had a chance to grow older, have a child, travel, see the things i have seen, meet wonderful people.  So i opened myself up, because you cant quit......


It takes time to heal.  Wounds scab over and fade.  Things that seemed insurmountable one time in our lives we never think about.  They are still there, deep within, they make us who we are today, define the choices we now make....as we learn the lessons we are destined to in this lifetime, as we journey towards an unknown destination........

If you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.

Dear Science......

This is an open letter to the scientific community.  Stop ok, you are wasting all our time.  Know what...we dont have the flying car yet, no diseases have been cured in my lifetime of any significance, the globe is getting more messed up by the day...  Seriously you know what significant "invention" or advancement has happend in the last 20 years.  The internet and thats it.  And what is it used for most of the time instead of sharing information for the betterment of mankind? Infidelity and Porn.  Thats it.  So you know what Science.  What you are doing, isnt working....maybe change focus.  You deserve to feel good about you...ahh cute science, with your labcoats, pocket protectors and social awkwardness...How about this. I will give you some ideas i think you should focus on.  Please make these happen and fast...

Time Machine.  Seriously Bill and Ted had access to one.  I would love to have one so i can right some wrongs.  Please make this happen.  Plus future people.  Guess what.  The internet never deleletes stuff.  So chances are in 100 years this post will still be viewable.  I dont know how you will find it amongst the trillions of pages that exist so i am going to type something that i assume you will enter in a search engine in the futre and end up on this post...



                                            FREE ROBOT PORN IN 4D

ok, now that you are here.  You must have access to a time machine by now.  Can you please go back in time and let me use it for a bit.  Seriously it would be a huge favor to me.  And im not using it for selfish reasons, i promise.  Just to help someone important to me.  In exchange for your kindness I will give you all my Star Wars actions figures from when i was a kid, and you can sell them for huge money in the future.  I mean Jesus, Kelso from that 70s show time traveled in the Butterfly movie, and that dudes a moron.


Pain Transference Ability  Ok, here is the next one science.  Can you please invent something that will basically suck the pain and suffering either emotionally or physically out of one person and transplant it in someone else.  Seriously, you can transplant monkey organs in people, how can you not know how to do this.  I watch Heritige commercials..Dr. Penfield poked her brain and made her smell burnt toast.  And that was like 50 years ago.  I dont want to smell burnt toast.  But in 50 years you must have developed beyond burnt toast.  Here is what i need.  Im really strong right now.  Can you take someones pain and memories that are causing her pain, suck them out of her brain and give me the pain.  I can take it.  I want to take it.  Im not kidding on this one. 

Voodoo powers - ok, here is the deal.  If you fail on the previous two you have to help me out on this one.  Ancient civilations (according to movies which never lie) could make a doll who looked nothing like a person, and poke it with needles and that person would feel pain.  How do you not know how to do this science.  Did noone write it down?  I want a specific doll, and by that i mean please dont drop the ball on the accuracy part.  Certain people although they share the same name, including spelling, are not actually the same person.  Please make me a doll directed at the proper person.  I would like to periodically cock punch it, on a regular basis.

ok Science...seriously, im not making a huge list.....not going to overload you.  Give up on your projects you are working on right now.  Seriously please make at least one of these happen.  If you are sitting there wondering which one to do first.  I would like them in this order

1. Pain transference
2. Time Machine
3. Cock punched Voodoo doll.

ps.  also if you could knock that baldness one out of the park to...we would be cool..but that is last on the list.

thanks Science, always thought u were cool...dont let me down.

Sometimes i get so tired.....

  Here is why I am single according to "experts".  below is pulled from a dating site that a friend copied and pasted to me in an attempt to help me in my new single life.  I dont want to live the life outlined below.  I dont want to play games with someone.  I dont want to do "tricks" to "get" what i want.  Maybe its naive on my part, maybe it will be the reason i stay single for good....i dont know.   I think the universe has bigger plans for me.  But i dont want the life in this article.  After each point my comments are in blue, and below them all, is what i want instead of playing these mind fuck games...

 

 

Ways To Make A Woman Notice You

 

Why do most men fail miserably when it comes to approaching attractive women? Most of the time, it's because they never learned how to stand out from the crowd when a hundred other guys are trying to do the same thing. Want the edge you need to make her notice you instead of them... without using lame lines or cheap come-ons? Here are the ways to make it happen: I understand alot of these interactions are assumed to take place at a bar, which is not my scene...i am talking about regular every day life....

1. Take control
No doubt about it... the first thing an attractive woman will do when you approach her is see if she can control and intimidate you. The second thing she'll do is ignore you when she finds out that she can. But use Cocky and Funny, show confidence, use the right body language, etc., and she'll quickly notice you because YOU are taking control. Sure, this confuses her, but it also gets her attention by transmitting a message loud and clear: "I'm the one who's in charge. Feel free to come along if you want." Communicate that to a woman, and she'll see right away that you're different than 99.99% of other guys. She'll immediately respect you and want to know more about you. In other words, she'll feel attraction for you -- and as you know, that's what everything I teach is all about.  Any woman who the first thing she will try and do is see if they can control and intimidate on me, is not a woman i want to be successful with.  I dont want to find a woman because i confused her or was the one in charge.

2. Master your body language
This is really basic, 101 stuff, but it's huge. I've said it a million times: when you're approaching a woman, your body language is more important than the words you use. Most men use submissive, apologetic body language and voice tones that look as if they're begging and pleading with a woman to give them approval... and these men INSTANTLY come across as wussies. There's no faster way to kill attraction. Instead, project that you have killer confidence (see #8.) Lean back. Give her space. Act like you're not concerned at all about whether or not she's going to like you because, you know what? You shouldn't be.  I do not want to play hard to get, act indifferent, etc.  What is wrong with if you meet someone you like and think are cool, telling them that?  Why is honesty not the best policy?

3. Be Direct
Here's the thing... most guys use "trickery" and long-winded, boring conversation to get info about a woman. Don't do it. Don't make the mistake of trying to figure out some slick way to get her to share something about herself, or to go do something with you. If you want to know something, just ask her straight out. If you want to spend time with her, don't just ask for a date. Tell her that you're doing something later and that she's free to join you. Believe me, you'll take her aback and set yourself apart. Be classy as well as direct, and you'll get where you want to go much, much faster. ok, i dont hate all of this one.  I agree with ask something if you want to know.  it is honest.  but i dont want to do it because I want to set my self apart from the norm.  I want to ask, because i am interested. 

4. Use Her "Negativity" To Your Advantage
Women will often test you by turning the conversation in an intentionally negative direction, often by complaining about themselves. When they do, be ready for it: it's a GREAT opportunity for you. Instead of playing along (and sounding wussy) use Cocky and Funny to spark and ramp up attraction. Just take what she's saying and turn it up a notch. For example, if she says: "My dress makes me look too fat," just reply, "You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but..." If she says her hair's a mess, say, "Maybe you'll look better tomorrow." Point is: she's expecting you to be just another wussy and kiss up to her. When you DON'T, you'll immediately stand out from the crowd. So i am supposed to play a game and take her insecurity as an "opportunity"?  Im not going to lie....if a woman cuts one and asks me if i like the smell, i wont kiss up and say yes....but if someone is having an off day what is wrong with reassuring them.  If they are worth the long haul, wont they appreciate it?

5. Get Her Number And Get Out
One of the best ways to make a women sit up and take notice is to disappear after you get her number. So, early on in the conversation, ask her if she has e-mail. When she says yes, tell her: "Great, I've got a few things to do, but I'd really like to chat more with you later. Here, write your email down. Oh, and your number, too." You'll be shocked how many attractive women will respond positively. At that point... take the info and leave. If you do, you'll leave her wanting more instead of wanting to run for the door. Plus, you'll find the encounter so painlessly quick and effective, it'll instantly build you confidence to approach even more women. I have to leave her wanting more?  Again with the games....if i meet someone who i find interesting and i am pulled towards, why leave?  why not dive into the moment and get to know them then....."it'll instantly build your confidence to approach even more women"?  I'm not a man whore, i dont want to set records or notch my bedpost...i want to find "her" someday

6. Have A Game Plan
Feeling unprepared to start a conversation with a woman is the best way to blow it when you do. So it's a no-brainer... same as with the awkward silence, have a few topics to start the conversation in your back pocket as well, and mentally rehearse them. The ones that work best are the simplest: "Hey, what are you drinking?" "Hey, are you from around here?" I realize that these sound way too simple, but that's the beauty of it. They're so simple... and natural... that they're disarming. They don't come across as lame, canned "pickup lines," and they help you figure out quickly if the woman you're talking to might be receptive to you. If i am unprepared for having a conversation with a woman, than isnt there a chance that i am only thinking of having it based on their physical appearance?  and if so, is that the criteria i should base an important decision on?  really?  Ive met some beautiful people inside and out that their inner beauty made them beautiful.  And ive met people who are "beautiful" but their soul makes them ugly.    I dont know if this article assume i am walking up to every woman i see and hitting on them...the old throw enough shit something sticks theory....but shit sticks to shit....

7. Avoid Awkward Silence
When a guys first starts talking to a woman (especially a very attractive one) he usually lets his emotions and insecurities get the best of him right off the bat. He starts to think, "I better impress her, and fast, or she won't give me a chance." The bad news is... you're right. The good news is... you can impress her the most just by avoiding awkward silence. If you begin to feel it happening, just keep things moving... but casually. Tell a funny story about something that happened to you when you were a kid. Make fun of famous people. Whatever. Have something ready and do it. It's got to be better than that painful, awkward silence.
I can fill every hole in a conversation, but that isnt a move, i like to talk and ask questions.  But awkward silences?  if it is the right person it is a comfortable silence, and they can be powerful.
 
8. Project Confidence
Imagine how you'd come across if you were the most confident guy on the planet. You'd seem so in control that you'd be in no rush. You'd never talk too fast or too much, since all of that screams "I'm a nervous wussy". You'd move, gesture and speak slowly and deliberately. You'd pause often, and ditch the anxious, twitchy gestures, laughs, ticks, etc. You'd never break eye contact unless a woman does first. All of this projects killer confidence, and you'll start to notice more women noticing you as you learn how to do it.
**spoiler alert** im not the most confident guy on the planet.  i have faults, i have doubts.  So i put on an act of being super confident and "the man"....so what happens if we hit it off...do i have to keep the act up?  do i have to keep playing the role?  if so....then she doesnt even know me.  Im not basket case, but i am not Mr. Cool.  I have emotions, i love, i hurt sometimes.  There is bad with the good.  Why is being myself not a better plan?
 
9. "Rehearse" Your Game Online
Come on... why risk blowing it with a woman live and in-person, when you can practice "rejection-free" all you want first? Go online and practice making sure you don't bore women with your normal, boring comments and normal, boring questions. Instead, start being direct. Showing confidence. Asking for numbers and telling women that you're swamped with a million messages from supermodels so they better act fast or you'll be gone. Master Cocky and Funny from the comfort of your keyboard, and you'll be much better at it when you try it in the "real world." 
Easist point to shoot down...if it is "game"  then it isnt "real".  If it isnt "real", it isnt worth it.


.................................................................................................
I dont like this list at all....i dont want to play games with my heart.  What is wrong with meeting someone and getting to know them, learning about them, getting close to them, and then being myself with them.  Why is it a bad thing as some friends (male and female)  have told me that i am a "nice guy" and women want the "bad boy"....that i do too much to make someone happy, and that women want to feel a little insecurity?  How does that make sense.  What is wrong with if I am with someone, being there for them in anyway possible.  To lift them up when they are down, to let them know how important they are to me, to share the good and bad with, to be 100% myself and to be accepted for who i am.  What is wrong with asking the same thing in return?  This isnt about my exes, this is about my future.  I dont want to play these games.  I want to eventually when the universe decides it is time, to meet her...and to spend every day after that letting her know how happy i am i did.  And to have her do the same.


Isnt that simpler and a better plan than "game"?  isnt that a basis on something that lasts?